A brush that loves you back.

Thems.

Yes, I like to use ole stinky paintbrushes normally, but if I were ever going to splurge on brushes for myself because, oh, I don't know, I thought it would be a good idea to start a new year - like, say, 2006, for example - with new makeup brushes, these would be them. Hypothetically.

The one up top is a "half-moon," for blending. It is bee-yoo-tee-full. Siiiiiigh.

Ew, Gross Out

Sorry, but I have taken a vow to be more "up to date" for you.

Warning you in advance that what you will see may be unpleasant, but the facts. Life for Paris Hilton is awfully tacky . Or click here or here or here .

Hmmmm.......in her defense, Eyeshadowgovernment blames the sand.

Henri Bendel: Unhealthy Fixation or Only the Taj Mahal....ALSO WHERE TO SCORE LOOT FOR FREE

Charlotte wants and needs to go to Henri Bendel, sooooo I'm leaving tomorrow. It seems like the destination supreme-o for Bergdorf Blondes with a hankering for the status quo, when they're not at Bergdorf's or strolling the avenues with tiny dogs and rabid pet monkeys. Note to self: avoid buying glove-sized animals, brain mass gradually decreases in the public eye . I've also seen uber-preppy Ralph Lauren girls all over the subway reading Prep . (Charlotte surmises the bling $$$$$ navy sweaters cannot buy you c-c-c-c-class.)

Back to Henri, the lover. My lover? We shall see. Heretofore, my residence in San Francisco lacked proximity to this international emporium of worldliness and decadence. AKA really fucking rich girls. Although once in my life, I did breeze into the Beverly Center, buy an expensive silk dress in 15 minutes, throw it on in a drugstore bathroom, and go my merry way....But I was luckier then. While I discover new ways to cook a potato each day, I am off to buy overpriced blush tomorrow morning. Dear readers, Wish me luck at Henri! Farewell! Adieu! A bientot!

ALSO, on the Beauty Horizons....Kiehl's Abyssine Cream. I think it's GOOOOD. Abysinne, on the label, promises all these subtle things though, like resiliency, which are hard to measure. Oh beautiful people, I'm young and resilient without no wussy wussy cream to get my back. Anyhow. The cool thing about Kiehl's is that they give away free samples like skittles at every Kiehls' counter on this earth . GRATIS. Nothing. Yup.

Dude, I'm going to kick Target's ass.

Makeup For Munchkins

I am back from Tejas, where Christmas is 70 degrees and sunny. What of the romance and cozy traditionalism of a white Christmas, you say, to which I say GET REAL.

Anyway, it's been an exciting and makeupful holiday - for one, my excellent parents somehow got me Icepearl. I don't know what they did to get it, and I don't want to, but it is as great as I remebered it being. All the adverts show it worn with heavy mascara and theatrical eye makeup, though I really like the way it looks with nothing but a bit of lipgloss. I also exchanged a turtleneck (they're against my religion) for the concealer I've been looking for all these years. It's from a Cheesy 90's Brand, but I love it... more to come.

Right now, though, I'd like to opine on the trickiness of shopping for makeup for/with my almost-12-year-old cousin, er, "Daisy." I promised Daisy a lipgloss for schlepping around the mall with me, and wanted to buy her something a little more special than her millionth Bonne Belle, but didn't want to give her some headtrip about Grown Up Womanhood either. She wanted scented, but my go-to fruity gloss Juicy Tubes is so sticky that it's bad news for active girls with long hair. The "scented" requirement ruled out Gloss Absolute from Fresh - too bad, as it's beautifully packaged, as to be expected from Fresh, and that what I was looking for as much as anything, just something that was pretty and fun for her to have, not majorly sophisticated Makeup. She liked Urban Decay's minty XXX Shine Gloss, but above and beyond the dubious product name, the shade she liked was called "Quickie." I am anything but The Prude and then some, but that strikes me as maybe not so appropriate for an almost-12-year-old. So I nixed it like the harridan bitch harpy Bad Older Cousin that I am.

Eventually, we decided upon Strawberry Lip Balm from the Rosebud Salve folks, otherwise known as the kind of shit with which I do not fuck around. Hey, who knew - perfect gift for preeteen girls. Actually moisturizing, pretty packaging, fruity but not candy-fruity smell, not too sticky so they can wear it when they trounce other preteen girls in soccer matches. And it's not called like, SlutGloss 5000 in Prostitute Pink. Which I would totally get for myself, btw.

It also costs $6.50, which alleviated some of the queasiness I was having over buying lipgloss in the 15-25 dollar range for a kid. Which I had been prepared to do, but was a little bit kicking myself for.

Happy Christmukkah!

Okay mistletoe! Eyeshadowgovernment sends much holiday cheer to you and all your families, hoping you grow more beautiful with each passing day! (I guess, as opposed to slowly disfigured by torment and the winds of time.)



And if you were curious, thumbs up to my new pint-sized bottle of Aveda Moisturizer "all sensitive" moisturizer. "All sensitive"....like me and violet when we drink much too much egg nog.

Hey, Babyface: Report Back on Aveeno

So Babyface wrote that song for Madonna, Take A Bow with the whole matador fashionista espagnole backdrop. As if guys who taunt animals for a living make for an ideal "boyfriend." ....Anyhow, as for Babyface and using products for baby's faces all over my womanly face, Aveeno is a true matador. No, it does not taunt bulls or make me flash with anger while hoofing it across Manhattan. Rather, Aveeno Baby Daily Moisture Lotion was my protective shield--best for hands, legs, and even feet--stood me well yesterday in the midst of blistering cold, shivering fears, and my ()*(*)ing amazing (temporary) Soho apartment.

Strength can come from unlikely places--like oatmeal--instead of freaky boys brandishing ruthless steel instruments. And buying cheap oatmeal-based beauty products, instead of the pomegranate and fig-based perfumes that I so adore, also means that I actually might have money to eat a pomegranate or a fig and other food that isn't moisturizer.

In my own opinion, the subway strike is like a giant Christmas tree. Hopped into a car with a couple from Atlanta with ten bottles of Cristal in the backseat! I love New York!

A- as a body moisturizer (gotta leave room for the holy grail of moisture)
B as a facial moisturizer (it's a little thick)
That's all, Kim Gordon.

Ga Ga for Goo Goo

Some people are smart enough to stay at home, but for some reason I am venturing from Brooklyn to the depths of Soho to pay rent for my fancy panties apaht-ment. Of course, beauty products had to be purchased for this hardcore pilgrimage.
The subway is down, so dude, it 's going to be like Easy Rider. A moisturized Easy Rider.


LE "point":
TODAY's SUPER-DISCOUNT PURCHASE ($4.50) Aveeno Baby, Fragrance Free Daily Moisture Lotion. A woman next to me on the subway wouldn't stop raving, about this moisturizer I mean. (That would be scary.) When the subway went. Anyhow. Already would like to say, in my California-speak: RIGHT ON! It's smoothed all over my face like butter, but it's not oily and it's fragrance free. Smells like air, gentleness embodied.

Will report back on the SKIN TEST KITCHEN, be I a Gremlin or Tyra Banks by sundown.

Frostbeets

Hey fellow strikey-pants New Yorkers! Ours is not to talk about pretty tonight, ours is but to GET WARM AND RELAX OUR FEETS. To this end, I suggest a mug of something yumbly from Mariage Frères - I like Bal Masque, an amazing blend of black teas and who know what all that has pretty blue specks in it and a nice sort of apricot-y taste, but I can't find it online... believe me though, any of them are delicious. Here in the United States of Murka, you can order at Sloan Hall. Maybe it'll get here in time for the next transit strike. They also have a limited selection at Williams Sonoma, including the much-hyped but too bubble-gummy for me Marco Polo.

At this juncture, you have an important choice to make: do you break out the big guns from Penhaligon's and take an awesome-smelling, profoundly relaxing bath - no reading in the tub allowed! You have to just lie there and get smooshy! OR, do you curl up with your fluffiest comforter and watch something with Katherine Hepburn in it? I've made my choice...

It's ME! But SOAP!

Do you see this? Do you see that this is a soap called "Gratuitous Violets" by the almost-never disappointing Lush? That's me! I'm Gratuitous Violet! I need this soap in massive quantities! Bushels! Truckloads! Just one itty bitty truckolad? Santa?

In honor of my new favorite soap in the universe, I'm posting about a few of my other fave Lush products. I have loved Lush from the CRADLE.

New Years is when you get to be a sparkly whore, yes? What better way to make yourself one than with Candy Fluff Dusting Powder? None! None better way! It smells like bubble gum and it's just the right amount of twinkle to confuse and disorient cute people you are trying to BE ON. Plus, all of Lush's dusting powders are talc-free, if you don't party with carcinogens.*

I extra-specially love Lush for travel, because they make compact awesome products that make me feel organized and prepared without feeling like a huge old lame-o-pants who is always organized and prepared. Like Trichomania, an amazing coconutty dealie that has served me well across many of this world's fine countries. They say it's for dry hair, but I don't have particularly dry hair, I just strive to be SOFT LIKE BUNNY and to that end, it worked beautifully.

Finally, anyone with greasy, spot-prone skin needs to check out Fresh Farmacy which will dry them right up. I alternate this with a glycolic acid cleanser (I'm between brands, so am going to mull before suggesting one) and I couldn't be more pleased with the results. It's got all sorts of soothing bizznez in it, too, so it's nice after plucking/waxing.

YAY LUSH!

*Like everything I say, this is just one step away from PLAIN MADE UP. I don't know, talc could be great for you. Everything and its mom is a carcinogen, anyway. Whatever you do, never change your consumer habits because of something I said.

Everybody Wants to See the Eyeball Kid

"Now who," you ask "is the, um, owner of that lovely eyeball, and pray tell me, how did she get such a precise yet vivid application of eyeliner?" Ok, you can't really see, because the picture is taken with a cameraphone, but I personally testify to both the vividity and the precision of said eyeliner line, and will put my whole anonymous reputation behind that claim. Anyways, silly cutlets, that's your Violet's eyeball, and the look was achieved with MAC's Femme Noir eyeshadow (which if you have greenish eyes like I do, should basically be in your Go Bag) and, er, spit. I mean, I know you all have used it before, at least to keep your eyebrows in place or whatevs, but had its effectiveness been SCIENTIFICALLY CONFIRMED up until now? I think not. (Thanks for the, er, tip, Erika.)

Yup. Spit won the Home Solvents For Eyeshadow Faceoff 2005. Vaseline and glycerin and that Lacrilube thing didn't stay on, saline solution and Visine did ok, but didn't retain enough pigment, but spit... You know, I feel somehow vindicated, because my whole motivation was that I was suspicious of the usefulness/awesomeness of a certain product, and it turns out that the CHEAPEST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE works the best. Everyone has spit! You don't even need a bathroom cabinet! You don't even need a pocket to carry it in! You could be naked in the woods and STILL use spit as an eyeshadow-to-eyeliner solvent. You'd still need a decent brush - I like actual paintbrushes, but that's an affectation - and presumably if you were naked in the woods, you'd have concerns beyond eyeliner, like, oh, will this bear eat me, or hey, what about these berries, you think they're poisonous? Either way. I don't judge.

You know what, though, if you are not like, total ghetto trash like me and don't feel like rubbing spit on your face, I don't begrudge you your Paula Dorf Transformer.

And meanwhile, I am OVER my Clarins concealer. Any suggestions for a versatile (spots and undereye), heavily pigmented concealer for the blue-undertoned folks of the world? If Safari is being stupid and not letting you leave comments, you can always email eyeshadowgovernment AT gmail DOT com.

I'm away this weekend on what is seeming like an increasingly ill-concieved voyage, but I will see you when I get back.

Solvents-"R"-Us

Heads up: I am sooooo sleepy, so don't expect any sense from this. Just letting you know what's up with me and makeup these days.

Tonight I had a chance to commence Operation Pour Crud on My Eyeshadow and See if it Turns in to Eyeliner, with mixed results. Water is crap. Vaseline and "Lacrilube," which is an ointment for very dry eyes, were disappointing, failing to pick up enough color or produce a sufficently fine line. The winner in this round? Saline solution. Not bad in a pinch, though I don't know how long it will stay on. But don't go anywhere, I have high hopes for glycerin, and I may actually manage to haul ass to the drugstore this week.

I AM SUCH A FUCKING DORK.

Meanwhile, for things I don't trust myself to replicate in the lab, I still head to Sephora. Which is where I went with my friend K yesterday. (Her real initial, I keep my makeup and my Kafka references separate. Mostly. Sometimes. For now.) We were on a misguided mission to obtain Dior Icepearl, which I previously HAD AND LOST, because I am useless. Since I'd acquired it early on, I did not realize the frenzy that it inspired (totally frenzy-worthy, btw), and was not prepared to have the salesgirl look at me like I was a total loon when I asked her if they had it. Apparently these days you have to trade your hymen on eBay for some chick to let you come over and borrow hers for a few minutes and even that's a deal, but I'm all the fuck out of hymens. Anyway, the salesgirl was playing fast and loose with the creative interpretations of my desires, because she directed me to Guerlain's Divinora Fairy Mascara. I am a Guerlain fan, actually, though they do tend to the slightly goofy, but this, this was just club kid sparkles, a posher version of my precious Bourjois Wet Look Top Coat. Anyway, my basic message here is DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU SPARKLY MASCARA IS DIOR ICEPEARL BECAUSE THAT'S BLASPHEMY. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE.

(They actually had a sample Icepearl wand out. I aaaaalmost thought about maaaaybe grovelling for it, but I've got enough of my own bacteria.)

Not dead!

We'll be back super-soon, promise. Charlotte's busy moving, and I'm just busy, but we haven't forgotten about you, or eyeshadow. Vive la makup!

I Make You The Science!

Observation: Pencil eyeliner is tricky and harsh and not friendly to my delicate baby eyelids. Dry-to-wet eyeshadow like that by Bourjois is not bad for eyeliner purposes, but as shadow, tends to be a little heavy. Eyeliner-making goop that transforms normal eyeshadow in to liquid liner is great, but suspiciously expensive for what looks like a little bottle of corn syrup.

Hypothesis: That this eyeliner-making goop is not really all that special, and is probably something I have lying around my house already.

Prediction: That I can duplicate the eyeshadow-to-eyeliner results of a Paula Dorf Transformer with more common (and cheaper) solvents. Baby oil? Glycerin? Vaseline? Aloe vera gel? Maybe even actual corn syrup? I don't think I want to really put corn syrup on my eyes, though. Maybe I'll just test that one on my hand.

Stay tuned for updates on the testing! I anticipate very very exciting results.

It is the Final Number. Ice Sorcerers come to Collect.

BONUS! Today's baffling selection from the Ice Source website. The Collector? The Final Number? I am no stranger to bad translations, and am not one to mock people for making them, not even people who are selling obscenely expensive face cream which I want anyway, but I don't know that this is as simple as a bad translation. I genuinely have no idea what this "collector" is or does, or what the "final number" is, and would welcome any theories you may have. It's very ominous sounding, no?

PRESENT MONTH 2005 SPECIAL DESIRE UPDATE

I'm mad at Colette for a secret reason, but I still want Ice Source, sold there. Don't know what it is or what it does (some sort of instant-facelift alchemical heeby-jeeby), but anything with "arctic raspberry" is ok by me. It's $ 192 though, so if I bought it and it didn't work, I'd have to kill myself. And even if it did work, I'd still die from not ever being able to buy food again.

They also sell it at Bergdorf Goodman. I don't think I'm allowed in there, but maybe if I put on my fancy pants, I can finagle a sample... wish me luck.

PS - The "Ice Source" site is kind of hysterical, anticipate a deconstructive analysis of that soon. That's what you come for, the postmodern theory, I know.

PPS - Charlotte's still alive, her blogging fingers intact, but she's in the middle of a coastal switch. East Coast, help me welcome Charlotte! She'll be back with product reviews as soon as she, you know, has like, a home.

PPPS - I am just trying out these ads. If for some reason they are deeply upsetting to you, holler. I'd rather have readers than like, the .12 cents I MAY get from this.

Black and Blue

Archie comics freak me out, today as in my youth. I don't know what it is, just a profound sense that there is something NOT RIGHT with these poor kids. Probably subtexts about the cold war that I'm not catching on to or the like.

That said, Veronica was, is and always will be an unmitigated fox. There's no contest between her and Betty. NO CONTEST. And part of Veronica's allure is her darker-than-dark hair. And how did it get so dark? BLUE HIGHLIGHTS. Take a look. You'd think you'd use white to create the illusion of shine, but no, unfailingly, it's a royal blue.

Now, you'd look like a jackass if you tried that on your REAL hair, but we can exploit this principle on our eyelashes.

First, curl the fuck out of them. Of course, you know to ALWAYS do this, no matter what mascara you're putting on. Right? RIGHT???

Then, one coat of a good lengthening black mascara (L'Extreme by Lancome is growing on me, I also like Clinique's Naturally Glossy Mascara for this purpose. (And there are others!) ONLY ONE COAT. RESIST THE TEMPTATION.

Wait a little bit. Let it dry. Put your lipstick on, or feed the dog or take away the very expensive Wolford stockings it has managed to find and chew on, the stupid animal.

Run the brush of a very bright blue mascara that's not too thick lightly over your lashes - I really like Maybelline Great Lash in Royal Blue, and I am not a rider on the Maybelline Great Lash Bandwagon, nomally (I think it's my problem, I get impatient and blink before it dries and it takes SO LONG to dry). But in this instance it's just the right shade of blue, and liquid enough, and once you've delicately applied a layer of it, you will have the darkest-looking most dramatic lashes you could possibly ever imagine.

20,000 Leagues Under AWESOME

Holy frigg, I was going to write about blue mascara today, but that was before I knew that there was an airbrush-makeup kit shaped like a CRAZY SUBMARINE. Uslu Airlines (whatever, it's a SUBMARINE) is a creation of makeup artist Feride Uslu, and word on the street is flawless natural application blahzee blah, but I could care less, since it is SHAPED LIKE A SUBMARINE. It could glop the stuff on like tile grout and I would still love it.

Here's an example of airbrush makeup - gah, I want to grow up to be the girl in that picture, she's grouwgeous. This is where I unambivalently love makeup - playing and creating/becoming new, strange things. The worrying about oh, what concealer's going to make me look the least tired, or is that hot pink nail polish really funeral-appropriate - it's a lot of aesthetic etiquette (does that make sense?) and I'd probably give it up if I were in charge of the world, or at least more self-assured. But this - orange, and submarines and machines and trying to channel something beautiful and bizzare, this I am on board for.

Too bad it costs like a kajillion dollars ($461). If you are way richer than me and in Paris, I hate you and you can get it at Colette. But promise me you won't just use it to apply drab foundation - that's wrong, somehow.

UPDATE: Submarine? WHO AM I? That is so clearly a pipe, first and foremost. Oof, my high school friends would be so ashamed.

antici... pation

Hello Beauty Addict visitors! Nice to see you. Hope you all are enjoying the first days of PRESENT MONTH 2005.

Tasty fritters, now that I have a job, I've had to cut my morning routine down by, let's say, 12 hours or so. Once I'd trimmed the obvious inessentials, like, oh, going back to sleep, or calling my mom and complaining that my feet were cold and I wanted to put socks on but I'd have to get out of bed to do that and then my feet would be even COLDER, I had do something about hair and makeup.

So! I have exciting things to say about my new super-speedy and incredible morning routine, which I can't go on and on about now, because the First Gentleman of Makeup wants to hang out and I'm not ready to sacrifice my marriage to blogging JUST YET, but a teaser...

Blue Mascara. I always thought it was a special fun treat, or maybe an everyday for you blue-eyed fritters out there, but in the past few days, it has managed to become a part of my happy family.

Exciting stuff, huh? Details to follow as soon as I get my shit together.

Whinny! We Interrupt This Moment....

For scores of funny dangling legs.


Saks' "Intimate Apparel" section looks a lot like Edward Muybridge . This is too ridiculous. Giddy-up! (Or meow!)

tomorrow or in the next few days... wax! expensive sunscreen!

Salivating over Salve

Fuck yeah, I got Cloverine! It's great. Cheerful blue and yellow and white tin - the sort of thing Heidi would keep her Ricola in. I am going to do a point-by-point comparison with Smith's Rosebud, another excellent salve by the same company (Rosebud Perfume Co.) which some of you may be familiar with. They also make some Strawberry thing but I don't fuck around with that kind of shit.

Ingredients
Cloverine - white petrolatum (Vaseline), turpentine (paint thinner), fragrance (fragrance)
Smith's Rosebud - cotton seed oil, armol, essential oils

Advantage - Cloverine. Armol sounds like arm oil and that's gross.

Color
Smith's Rosebud - pink
Cloverine - mucus

Advantage - Smith's Rosebud

Scent
Cloverine - mild, but distinct and pine-y
Smith's Rosebud - baby powder, cloying

Advantage - Cloverine

A special tingle that means it's working
Smith's Rosebud - none
Cloverine - slight

Advantage - Cloverine

Total - Cloverine 3, Smith's Rosebud 1.

I am also all up on Cloverine because it's still UNDERGROUND. UNDERGROUND SALVE.

To Make You Blush!

Benefit's Georgia Peach Blush

For this season's color stories, it's all smoke and mirrors—deep greys, opulent purples, metallics. But then, there are fail-proof colors that anyone can wear like this blend of citrus orange and pink blush by Benefit. We think this is just peachy.

Special Stila Makeup Compacts

At Macy's downtown San Francisco, the first shipment already sold out. Tawny, shiny, pretty, small and packed with wearable colors—neutral yet sparkly. Scrawled with a lovely floral design, the ultra-slim compact fits anywhere—after all, discretion is the better part of valor.

Burberry Metallic Notebook (only passport, available online)

Burberry's stocking stuffers (for families who don't gift socks for the holidays ). Raccoon radar: on. Now, what does one do with a metallic gold leather diary embossed with deep Art Deco rectangles? "Accidentally" leave in a conspicuous place and the rest is history. For once, a supple super-gold lined notebook, mouth-watering and then returned to its place on the table at Burberry's (before they called security), has a true calling. If as the New York Observer says, pretending to read books is the new black, pretending to keep secrets is surely the new gold.

Elongates eyelashes and shortens leg hair!

You know, I was wondering if spending all this time reading blogs and eating crackers was making me stupider, and I think I have definitive external evidence that it is. (See, I need the external evidence because my mind is too cracker-logged to evaluate itself. I am like, at the level of a smart-end-of-average pig, probably.) Anyway. I got a new mascara, and it's NOT FLEXTENCILS. It is this new Lancome mascara, L'Extreme, and it is supposed to have special elongating worker-bunnies and patented eyelashening fiber bits and I'm sorry, but this is crap. It is sticky and dumb and so not eyelashening. And I spent money on it because my stupid French class is near stupid Bloomingdales and what, am I supposed to NOT go in? And then I want the shiny ladies at the makeup counter to touch my face, because I love having my face touched, especially by shiny ladies, and then I feel bad not buying at least the mascara from the shiny face-touching lady although they probably get locked in the basement at night and the money I paid goes to the parent company which probably uses it to develop more efficient baby-crushing-machines and I am being HAD, but it keeps happening. Average-to-smart pig, I'm telling you. Ha, know what, I would be fucked if I were an average-to-smart pig, because word on the street is that Lancome's parent company, L'oreal, is not exactly ahead of the let's-not-test-on-animals curve.

Of course, I don't know how up to date this info is or anything, and my views on animal rights are nuanced (underdeveloped). Still, in honor of a) the fact that this new mascara is very expensively not doing anything for me and b) my love for my dog, here are some good (and tested-on-Violet) mascaras made by companies that don't test on animals.*

Almay One-Coat Lengthening Mascara: Nice and natural and drugstore-cheap, I think this is what I am going to buy when my current stock runs out. Almay is owned by Revlon, and I don't know what their practices are, but the Almay branch is a-ok.

Chanel Extracils: Chanel, of course, does not fuck around. Still, this is not as dark as I wish it were. Chanel also owns Bourjois, which makes the SPARKTOCKULAR Coup De Theatre (pardon the lack of accent marks, I'll get it figured out) and very fun top-coats, including this one. Multiple steps of mascara application are not what I want to deal with in the AM, though, so these do not make good everyday products for me.

Clinique High Impact Mascara: Actually dark enough for me, though not as lengthening as I wish it were. Nothing has been yet, so I guess that's not really points off. (Clinique, and a whole lot of other companies, including Perscriptives and MAC, I think, are all owned by Estee Lauder, and are all ok animal-wise. Of course, they may have all sorts of other issues. Or not! Who knows! But we're talking about animals today.)

There are others, but I don't really care to reveal how wantonly I purchase (even animal-friendly) mascara, so that will have to do.

*NB, my research is how you say, MINIMAL, so if buying products not tested on animals is really important to you, double check these. Also, I am sure there are plenty of animal-friendly companies that make lovely mascaras that I have never tried. Not so sure, actually. Still. These are not those.

Thus Victorians Names Perish Slowly

I am dying. Sort of. Waking up at 6 am has fairly ravaged my once gleaming visage, and left me a pale specter of my former beauteous self. Makeup cannot save me today. Nothing will, but a good night's sleep.

On the agenda for this week (stay totally tuned!):

Benefit's Georgia Peach Blush
See, I just typed George--bless that failed magazine and my feather pillow.

Amore Pacific Refining Cream
In conclusion, $90 cream can't hurt you.

Special Stila Makeup Compacts

Burberry stocking stuffers (for families who don't gift socks for the holidays ).

And, as an apertif, Tom Ford perfume.

In which I pay for self-righteousness with what may be eczema

So after getting all stringent about what I put on my face last night (haha good pun Violet! You crack me up, girl!), I woke up with weird flaky patches on my eyelids and chin. I've been using Gerber's Teeny Faces Moisturizing Stick because I like to think I have a teeny face and it has a yummy kind of tangy lavender-ish smell, but the problem with it and with all super-intensive moisturizing goop (Aquaphor, plain Vaseline, my precious Smith's Rosebud Salve) is that my bangs get in it and get grody and I don't really like lank, greasy bangs rubbing up against my breakout-prone forehead all day. So I need something that will school my flaky skin but also absorbs super super fast.

Any Thoughts, Charlotte? I Like Our Awesome Victorian Pseudonyms.

I'd like it if more butch boys would start wearing makeup so I didn't ever have to feel funny about it, 'preciate it, thanks.

My mantra may be "don't take yourself too seriously and don't take other people seriously at all or your whole mind will explode," however, I am going to need to work out a couple of kinks if I am going to call myself a GIMONGULOUS FEMINIST and plan to write about things that women (like me!) are tricked in to paying a lot of money for so that they don't look so fucking ugly and old.

There is the it-is-fun-and-empowering-to-play-with-your-appearance thing, but it's kind of disingenuous to act like I can really own my makeup-wearing when a large percentage of my makeup-wearing is, how you say, corrective? Like "own my makeup-wearing," ok, but why not just own my zits? And owning-my-makeup-wearing ends up also meaning owning a lot of fucking makeup.

It is noble not to pay for things.

So, we're all pretty invested women's insecurities about appearance! Oy, you wouldn't believe! It's how in how we consume, it's in how we bond, it's in a whole lot of things, and some people are getting veryveryvery rich off it.

Anyway. This is just stuff I am thinking about. About makeup! Shiny.

PS. You know what DOES suck, genuinely, is when making yourself sparkly hurts. Like with eyebrow threading. That really hurts. Not as much as having a unibrow does, though!

Sigh.

my ponderous consumerism finally does me some good.

Did you know concealers could not suck? It's true! I almost never wore concealer, since any given brand EITHER did not work at making my dark circles (they're genetic! genes!) or spots (not genetic! I just am lazy about face washing!) disappear OR looked like stage makeup, and if there's one thing I hate, it's theater! (Not really! Sort of!) Then, the other day, the pretty lady at the Clarins counter at Bloomingdales sold me Instant Light/Eclat Minute and it works! It makes me all smooth and glowy and pretty and I am a puppy made out of baby rose petals!

PS it is way better than that other high-end highlighting concealer/concealing highlighter with Eclat in its name. You know who you are.

Makeup and Hairspray for President!

BeachBlonde John Frieda: Ocean Waves Sea Spray Texturizing Styler

For the record, cute guys have totally opined their hair woes when they saw these Ocean Wave Sea Spray Texturized locks . Wind-tossed, natural curls inspire admiration and, every once in a while, “hair awe.” Yeah, yeah, fab Mischa Barton-esque hair isn’t about making cute guys feel insecure, but it’s kind of fun when it does.
(Irrelevant fact: when you shake the bottle, the inside looks like a jacuzzi.) Methinks the secret ingredients are sea salt and jojoba oil.

Jane Iredale Liquid Mineral Foundation

Foundation’s tricky, but this one is just right. Ultra-matte formulas can make for a very dull bird; sheer kinds don’t hide enough on uneven skin. Jane Iredale Liquid Mineral foundation feels kinda shiny and sticky, but youthful glow beats crusty matte foundation, circa 1950, every time. Ingredients seem blossomy and mountainy—mica, aloe vera, lavender, and chamomile—not the usual nine-syllable chemicals.
We don't know if Jane is a born genius (in a past life, she did casting for The Outsiders), or b) just lazy like us, but anyway, the whole shebang of minerals has built-in sunblock too. Rocks are cool, especially when they make you look hotter.

Plain Yogurt Masks

Honestly, I thought this was just for girls who don’t read books. This was an egregious mistake.
If a home kitchen skin remedy, that’s all about slathering on plain yogurt, seems just too easy to be true, think about life....before TV. Gently purifying, nourishing, while leaving skin with a soft glow, yogurt is the new Botox—at least, to me. Scaring people with spooky yogurt faces is way more fun than scaring people with facial muscles that have ceased to contract.

What I love enough to carry in my bag even though I am not big on carrying things. No adventures here, but some solid classics. Solid!

BEFORE YOU MAY READ ABOUT SOME OF MY FAVORITE PRODUCTS YOU MUST DEFEAT THE DESTROYER OF PERFECTLY GOOD VASELINE!

Tarte (that's pronounced "tart," for all you tarts who were unsure) cheek stain in "flush." Even though the color names are not exactly subverting the patriarchy ("flush," whatever. But "tipsy?" "Blushing bride?"), nothing makes me look not-exactly-ill like a good cheek stain, and no cheek stain is better than Tarte. It is not too watery, so it doesn't run down my face and make me look red all over, and it is not too goopy, so it doesn't look like goop. It works ok as lip stain, too - it tastes narsty, but that just means I won't lick it off.

Smith's Rosebud Salve. Lipgloss, cuticle cream, eyelid shiny-maker, eyebrow tamer, and in a pinch, spermicide. I guess I could just schlep around Vaseline, but does Vaseline come in a nasty plastic jar that dog hair sticks to and not a cute arts-and-craftsy looking tin? Yes. Does Vaseline smell like baby powder and not like dog hair? No. Plus, the company makes something called "Cloverine," and I don't know what that is, but I know I WANT IT. I will acquire and report back.

I am not even going to mention the mascara I have in my bag, because it is a joke. It tries, but it is not Lancome Flextencils. I always try to buy something new and think that it will be better and I will have eyelashes as long and lush as reeds on the limpid pools of my eyeballs, but it never happens, and I should just take the totally respectable length and lushness I get from Flextencils and LOVE THE ONE I'M WITH.