Elongates eyelashes and shortens leg hair!

You know, I was wondering if spending all this time reading blogs and eating crackers was making me stupider, and I think I have definitive external evidence that it is. (See, I need the external evidence because my mind is too cracker-logged to evaluate itself. I am like, at the level of a smart-end-of-average pig, probably.) Anyway. I got a new mascara, and it's NOT FLEXTENCILS. It is this new Lancome mascara, L'Extreme, and it is supposed to have special elongating worker-bunnies and patented eyelashening fiber bits and I'm sorry, but this is crap. It is sticky and dumb and so not eyelashening. And I spent money on it because my stupid French class is near stupid Bloomingdales and what, am I supposed to NOT go in? And then I want the shiny ladies at the makeup counter to touch my face, because I love having my face touched, especially by shiny ladies, and then I feel bad not buying at least the mascara from the shiny face-touching lady although they probably get locked in the basement at night and the money I paid goes to the parent company which probably uses it to develop more efficient baby-crushing-machines and I am being HAD, but it keeps happening. Average-to-smart pig, I'm telling you. Ha, know what, I would be fucked if I were an average-to-smart pig, because word on the street is that Lancome's parent company, L'oreal, is not exactly ahead of the let's-not-test-on-animals curve.

Of course, I don't know how up to date this info is or anything, and my views on animal rights are nuanced (underdeveloped). Still, in honor of a) the fact that this new mascara is very expensively not doing anything for me and b) my love for my dog, here are some good (and tested-on-Violet) mascaras made by companies that don't test on animals.*

Almay One-Coat Lengthening Mascara: Nice and natural and drugstore-cheap, I think this is what I am going to buy when my current stock runs out. Almay is owned by Revlon, and I don't know what their practices are, but the Almay branch is a-ok.

Chanel Extracils: Chanel, of course, does not fuck around. Still, this is not as dark as I wish it were. Chanel also owns Bourjois, which makes the SPARKTOCKULAR Coup De Theatre (pardon the lack of accent marks, I'll get it figured out) and very fun top-coats, including this one. Multiple steps of mascara application are not what I want to deal with in the AM, though, so these do not make good everyday products for me.

Clinique High Impact Mascara: Actually dark enough for me, though not as lengthening as I wish it were. Nothing has been yet, so I guess that's not really points off. (Clinique, and a whole lot of other companies, including Perscriptives and MAC, I think, are all owned by Estee Lauder, and are all ok animal-wise. Of course, they may have all sorts of other issues. Or not! Who knows! But we're talking about animals today.)

There are others, but I don't really care to reveal how wantonly I purchase (even animal-friendly) mascara, so that will have to do.

*NB, my research is how you say, MINIMAL, so if buying products not tested on animals is really important to you, double check these. Also, I am sure there are plenty of animal-friendly companies that make lovely mascaras that I have never tried. Not so sure, actually. Still. These are not those.