Solvents-"R"-Us

Heads up: I am sooooo sleepy, so don't expect any sense from this. Just letting you know what's up with me and makeup these days.

Tonight I had a chance to commence Operation Pour Crud on My Eyeshadow and See if it Turns in to Eyeliner, with mixed results. Water is crap. Vaseline and "Lacrilube," which is an ointment for very dry eyes, were disappointing, failing to pick up enough color or produce a sufficently fine line. The winner in this round? Saline solution. Not bad in a pinch, though I don't know how long it will stay on. But don't go anywhere, I have high hopes for glycerin, and I may actually manage to haul ass to the drugstore this week.

I AM SUCH A FUCKING DORK.

Meanwhile, for things I don't trust myself to replicate in the lab, I still head to Sephora. Which is where I went with my friend K yesterday. (Her real initial, I keep my makeup and my Kafka references separate. Mostly. Sometimes. For now.) We were on a misguided mission to obtain Dior Icepearl, which I previously HAD AND LOST, because I am useless. Since I'd acquired it early on, I did not realize the frenzy that it inspired (totally frenzy-worthy, btw), and was not prepared to have the salesgirl look at me like I was a total loon when I asked her if they had it. Apparently these days you have to trade your hymen on eBay for some chick to let you come over and borrow hers for a few minutes and even that's a deal, but I'm all the fuck out of hymens. Anyway, the salesgirl was playing fast and loose with the creative interpretations of my desires, because she directed me to Guerlain's Divinora Fairy Mascara. I am a Guerlain fan, actually, though they do tend to the slightly goofy, but this, this was just club kid sparkles, a posher version of my precious Bourjois Wet Look Top Coat. Anyway, my basic message here is DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU SPARKLY MASCARA IS DIOR ICEPEARL BECAUSE THAT'S BLASPHEMY. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE.

(They actually had a sample Icepearl wand out. I aaaaalmost thought about maaaaybe grovelling for it, but I've got enough of my own bacteria.)

Not dead!

We'll be back super-soon, promise. Charlotte's busy moving, and I'm just busy, but we haven't forgotten about you, or eyeshadow. Vive la makup!

I Make You The Science!

Observation: Pencil eyeliner is tricky and harsh and not friendly to my delicate baby eyelids. Dry-to-wet eyeshadow like that by Bourjois is not bad for eyeliner purposes, but as shadow, tends to be a little heavy. Eyeliner-making goop that transforms normal eyeshadow in to liquid liner is great, but suspiciously expensive for what looks like a little bottle of corn syrup.

Hypothesis: That this eyeliner-making goop is not really all that special, and is probably something I have lying around my house already.

Prediction: That I can duplicate the eyeshadow-to-eyeliner results of a Paula Dorf Transformer with more common (and cheaper) solvents. Baby oil? Glycerin? Vaseline? Aloe vera gel? Maybe even actual corn syrup? I don't think I want to really put corn syrup on my eyes, though. Maybe I'll just test that one on my hand.

Stay tuned for updates on the testing! I anticipate very very exciting results.

It is the Final Number. Ice Sorcerers come to Collect.

BONUS! Today's baffling selection from the Ice Source website. The Collector? The Final Number? I am no stranger to bad translations, and am not one to mock people for making them, not even people who are selling obscenely expensive face cream which I want anyway, but I don't know that this is as simple as a bad translation. I genuinely have no idea what this "collector" is or does, or what the "final number" is, and would welcome any theories you may have. It's very ominous sounding, no?

PRESENT MONTH 2005 SPECIAL DESIRE UPDATE

I'm mad at Colette for a secret reason, but I still want Ice Source, sold there. Don't know what it is or what it does (some sort of instant-facelift alchemical heeby-jeeby), but anything with "arctic raspberry" is ok by me. It's $ 192 though, so if I bought it and it didn't work, I'd have to kill myself. And even if it did work, I'd still die from not ever being able to buy food again.

They also sell it at Bergdorf Goodman. I don't think I'm allowed in there, but maybe if I put on my fancy pants, I can finagle a sample... wish me luck.

PS - The "Ice Source" site is kind of hysterical, anticipate a deconstructive analysis of that soon. That's what you come for, the postmodern theory, I know.

PPS - Charlotte's still alive, her blogging fingers intact, but she's in the middle of a coastal switch. East Coast, help me welcome Charlotte! She'll be back with product reviews as soon as she, you know, has like, a home.

PPPS - I am just trying out these ads. If for some reason they are deeply upsetting to you, holler. I'd rather have readers than like, the .12 cents I MAY get from this.

Black and Blue

Archie comics freak me out, today as in my youth. I don't know what it is, just a profound sense that there is something NOT RIGHT with these poor kids. Probably subtexts about the cold war that I'm not catching on to or the like.

That said, Veronica was, is and always will be an unmitigated fox. There's no contest between her and Betty. NO CONTEST. And part of Veronica's allure is her darker-than-dark hair. And how did it get so dark? BLUE HIGHLIGHTS. Take a look. You'd think you'd use white to create the illusion of shine, but no, unfailingly, it's a royal blue.

Now, you'd look like a jackass if you tried that on your REAL hair, but we can exploit this principle on our eyelashes.

First, curl the fuck out of them. Of course, you know to ALWAYS do this, no matter what mascara you're putting on. Right? RIGHT???

Then, one coat of a good lengthening black mascara (L'Extreme by Lancome is growing on me, I also like Clinique's Naturally Glossy Mascara for this purpose. (And there are others!) ONLY ONE COAT. RESIST THE TEMPTATION.

Wait a little bit. Let it dry. Put your lipstick on, or feed the dog or take away the very expensive Wolford stockings it has managed to find and chew on, the stupid animal.

Run the brush of a very bright blue mascara that's not too thick lightly over your lashes - I really like Maybelline Great Lash in Royal Blue, and I am not a rider on the Maybelline Great Lash Bandwagon, nomally (I think it's my problem, I get impatient and blink before it dries and it takes SO LONG to dry). But in this instance it's just the right shade of blue, and liquid enough, and once you've delicately applied a layer of it, you will have the darkest-looking most dramatic lashes you could possibly ever imagine.

20,000 Leagues Under AWESOME

Holy frigg, I was going to write about blue mascara today, but that was before I knew that there was an airbrush-makeup kit shaped like a CRAZY SUBMARINE. Uslu Airlines (whatever, it's a SUBMARINE) is a creation of makeup artist Feride Uslu, and word on the street is flawless natural application blahzee blah, but I could care less, since it is SHAPED LIKE A SUBMARINE. It could glop the stuff on like tile grout and I would still love it.

Here's an example of airbrush makeup - gah, I want to grow up to be the girl in that picture, she's grouwgeous. This is where I unambivalently love makeup - playing and creating/becoming new, strange things. The worrying about oh, what concealer's going to make me look the least tired, or is that hot pink nail polish really funeral-appropriate - it's a lot of aesthetic etiquette (does that make sense?) and I'd probably give it up if I were in charge of the world, or at least more self-assured. But this - orange, and submarines and machines and trying to channel something beautiful and bizzare, this I am on board for.

Too bad it costs like a kajillion dollars ($461). If you are way richer than me and in Paris, I hate you and you can get it at Colette. But promise me you won't just use it to apply drab foundation - that's wrong, somehow.

UPDATE: Submarine? WHO AM I? That is so clearly a pipe, first and foremost. Oof, my high school friends would be so ashamed.

antici... pation

Hello Beauty Addict visitors! Nice to see you. Hope you all are enjoying the first days of PRESENT MONTH 2005.

Tasty fritters, now that I have a job, I've had to cut my morning routine down by, let's say, 12 hours or so. Once I'd trimmed the obvious inessentials, like, oh, going back to sleep, or calling my mom and complaining that my feet were cold and I wanted to put socks on but I'd have to get out of bed to do that and then my feet would be even COLDER, I had do something about hair and makeup.

So! I have exciting things to say about my new super-speedy and incredible morning routine, which I can't go on and on about now, because the First Gentleman of Makeup wants to hang out and I'm not ready to sacrifice my marriage to blogging JUST YET, but a teaser...

Blue Mascara. I always thought it was a special fun treat, or maybe an everyday for you blue-eyed fritters out there, but in the past few days, it has managed to become a part of my happy family.

Exciting stuff, huh? Details to follow as soon as I get my shit together.