Baked Goods

Basically, they say sunbathing is bad, bad, bad, but every once in three years, I show my legs and arms to the world. And, I just found out I was the last one to know about ChikaLicious, a dessert restaurant. Yessiree, you heard that correct, dessert restaurant.

Now instead of working, engorging myself with pastries in the afternoon sun is my new "goal." This could spell trouble. To support this effort, I am so excited about my tube of Lancome's new sunblock UV Expert 20 with Mexoryl ™ SX Face and Body Protection. Mexoryl, the recently FDA-approved European ingredient blocks out UVA (ultraviolet A) sunlight, not just UVB (ultraviolet B) sunlight, helping to prevent melanoma and other types of skin cancer. Also, the texture of this sunblock is dreamy, and triples as both a "base" and can work as an extra layer of protection with your bareMinerals SPF 15 foundation, if you're into the mineral makeup thing.


Buy it: Lancome UV Expert 20 with Mexoryl ™ SX Face and Body Protection ($35), Sephora.

Calling Bergdorf Goodman!

I'm working for you in a stormy downpour, but rather than trudge to Bergdorf for the beauty scoop, I just put on my elegant red Cacharel dress, and dialed in.

This is what the Lancome femme of Bergdorf had to say on the line, all with her dainty French accent. You may have heard about the much-coveted Lancome Proenza Pink, as in Proenza Schouler, lipstick that sold out lickety-split. If you didn't catch the Proenza Pink in time, this is the Bergdorf Goodman beauty counter trick to achieve the same creamy, ethereal color:

Carefully line your lips with a white eye pencil, Lancome's Le Crayon Kohl in Blanc, and fill in the lip area with the Blanc Crayon Kohl as well.

Then, layer Lancome Color Design Lipstick in Poodle Skirt over it. (See color swatch below.)


Just like that, without a dewdrop of rain.

Buy it: Lancome Le Crayon Kohl in Blanc, white ($22) and Lancome Color Design Lipstick in Poodle Skirt ($24.00), Bergdorf Goodman.

Black and Blue

Archie comics freak me out, today as in my youth. I don't know what it is, just a profound sense that there is something NOT RIGHT with these poor kids. Probably subtexts about the cold war that I'm not catching on to or the like.

That said, Veronica was, is and always will be an unmitigated fox. There's no contest between her and Betty. NO CONTEST. And part of Veronica's allure is her darker-than-dark hair. And how did it get so dark? BLUE HIGHLIGHTS. Take a look. You'd think you'd use white to create the illusion of shine, but no, unfailingly, it's a royal blue.

Now, you'd look like a jackass if you tried that on your REAL hair, but we can exploit this principle on our eyelashes.

First, curl the fuck out of them. Of course, you know to ALWAYS do this, no matter what mascara you're putting on. Right? RIGHT???

Then, one coat of a good lengthening black mascara (L'Extreme by Lancome is growing on me, I also like Clinique's Naturally Glossy Mascara for this purpose. (And there are others!) ONLY ONE COAT. RESIST THE TEMPTATION.

Wait a little bit. Let it dry. Put your lipstick on, or feed the dog or take away the very expensive Wolford stockings it has managed to find and chew on, the stupid animal.

Run the brush of a very bright blue mascara that's not too thick lightly over your lashes - I really like Maybelline Great Lash in Royal Blue, and I am not a rider on the Maybelline Great Lash Bandwagon, nomally (I think it's my problem, I get impatient and blink before it dries and it takes SO LONG to dry). But in this instance it's just the right shade of blue, and liquid enough, and once you've delicately applied a layer of it, you will have the darkest-looking most dramatic lashes you could possibly ever imagine.

Elongates eyelashes and shortens leg hair!

You know, I was wondering if spending all this time reading blogs and eating crackers was making me stupider, and I think I have definitive external evidence that it is. (See, I need the external evidence because my mind is too cracker-logged to evaluate itself. I am like, at the level of a smart-end-of-average pig, probably.) Anyway. I got a new mascara, and it's NOT FLEXTENCILS. It is this new Lancome mascara, L'Extreme, and it is supposed to have special elongating worker-bunnies and patented eyelashening fiber bits and I'm sorry, but this is crap. It is sticky and dumb and so not eyelashening. And I spent money on it because my stupid French class is near stupid Bloomingdales and what, am I supposed to NOT go in? And then I want the shiny ladies at the makeup counter to touch my face, because I love having my face touched, especially by shiny ladies, and then I feel bad not buying at least the mascara from the shiny face-touching lady although they probably get locked in the basement at night and the money I paid goes to the parent company which probably uses it to develop more efficient baby-crushing-machines and I am being HAD, but it keeps happening. Average-to-smart pig, I'm telling you. Ha, know what, I would be fucked if I were an average-to-smart pig, because word on the street is that Lancome's parent company, L'oreal, is not exactly ahead of the let's-not-test-on-animals curve.

Of course, I don't know how up to date this info is or anything, and my views on animal rights are nuanced (underdeveloped). Still, in honor of a) the fact that this new mascara is very expensively not doing anything for me and b) my love for my dog, here are some good (and tested-on-Violet) mascaras made by companies that don't test on animals.*

Almay One-Coat Lengthening Mascara: Nice and natural and drugstore-cheap, I think this is what I am going to buy when my current stock runs out. Almay is owned by Revlon, and I don't know what their practices are, but the Almay branch is a-ok.

Chanel Extracils: Chanel, of course, does not fuck around. Still, this is not as dark as I wish it were. Chanel also owns Bourjois, which makes the SPARKTOCKULAR Coup De Theatre (pardon the lack of accent marks, I'll get it figured out) and very fun top-coats, including this one. Multiple steps of mascara application are not what I want to deal with in the AM, though, so these do not make good everyday products for me.

Clinique High Impact Mascara: Actually dark enough for me, though not as lengthening as I wish it were. Nothing has been yet, so I guess that's not really points off. (Clinique, and a whole lot of other companies, including Perscriptives and MAC, I think, are all owned by Estee Lauder, and are all ok animal-wise. Of course, they may have all sorts of other issues. Or not! Who knows! But we're talking about animals today.)

There are others, but I don't really care to reveal how wantonly I purchase (even animal-friendly) mascara, so that will have to do.

*NB, my research is how you say, MINIMAL, so if buying products not tested on animals is really important to you, double check these. Also, I am sure there are plenty of animal-friendly companies that make lovely mascaras that I have never tried. Not so sure, actually. Still. These are not those.

What I love enough to carry in my bag even though I am not big on carrying things. No adventures here, but some solid classics. Solid!

BEFORE YOU MAY READ ABOUT SOME OF MY FAVORITE PRODUCTS YOU MUST DEFEAT THE DESTROYER OF PERFECTLY GOOD VASELINE!

Tarte (that's pronounced "tart," for all you tarts who were unsure) cheek stain in "flush." Even though the color names are not exactly subverting the patriarchy ("flush," whatever. But "tipsy?" "Blushing bride?"), nothing makes me look not-exactly-ill like a good cheek stain, and no cheek stain is better than Tarte. It is not too watery, so it doesn't run down my face and make me look red all over, and it is not too goopy, so it doesn't look like goop. It works ok as lip stain, too - it tastes narsty, but that just means I won't lick it off.

Smith's Rosebud Salve. Lipgloss, cuticle cream, eyelid shiny-maker, eyebrow tamer, and in a pinch, spermicide. I guess I could just schlep around Vaseline, but does Vaseline come in a nasty plastic jar that dog hair sticks to and not a cute arts-and-craftsy looking tin? Yes. Does Vaseline smell like baby powder and not like dog hair? No. Plus, the company makes something called "Cloverine," and I don't know what that is, but I know I WANT IT. I will acquire and report back.

I am not even going to mention the mascara I have in my bag, because it is a joke. It tries, but it is not Lancome Flextencils. I always try to buy something new and think that it will be better and I will have eyelashes as long and lush as reeds on the limpid pools of my eyeballs, but it never happens, and I should just take the totally respectable length and lushness I get from Flextencils and LOVE THE ONE I'M WITH.